Fighting over the same girl but who's in the right?

"The dating world sucks!"

Dear MTN,

I can't believe I am writing to you so you need to change my name. Call me Bob. My friend; call him Tom. We both like the same girl, call her Mary. So Mary and I finally started dating about six weeks ago. Things have been great.

Last night I went out with all the guys and Tom comes up to me and says he's had a beef with me for stealing Mary from him. I had no idea what he was talking about. He said he was dating Mary all of last year and just kept it quiet so the whole group didn't find out and gossip. He said they had one fight, the next day she broke it off with him, and the next night he hears from me that I had asked her out. I asked him why didn't he say anything then? He responded that he thought I was just a quick rebound and that he'd get her back. I told him that wasn't cool on his part. He says I'm not being cool on my part.

We are both 25 and have been friends together our whole lives. I don't want to lose our friendship. But I have to say that Mary just might be the one for me. But now that I know they were dating first, it kind of changes things for me. What do you think I should do? Also, do you get 25 year guys in your matchmaking program? Because if I do lose Mary I might need to join. The dating world sucks. 

Thanks,

 - MTN

Dear Bob,

You did nothing wrong. When you asked out Mary, she did not tell you about Tom. When Tom first found out from you that you had asked her out that was his opportunity to say that he was dating her and if he was going to try to get her back. He didn't! Therefore, you have no responsibility on their breakup and you are not being "not cool on your part."

Don't worry about your friend. If he's a true friend, and he sounds like he is, then he should be happy for you if things work out with Mary. I would however, have a small talk with Mary and tell her you know that she went out with Tom and see that she doesn't have feelings for him anymore. If she doesn't, just enjoy the relationship.

Good forbid if it doesn't work out, but yes I begin my matchmaking program at 20 years old for girls, and 21 for guys. I have lots of beautiful girls in your age group from all over New York and Long Island. If you do call, mention that you wrote to me.

Thanks and good luck to you.

- MTN

Dealing with a gay son and a homophobic partner, ditch the jerk?

Dealing with a tough decision

Dear MTN,

I really need your advice. I enjoy your column every week and really trust what you say. I never thought I would have to write to you, but the time has come.

I thought I was in a great relationship with a man for the past five years. He lives with me and my three children. No one is perfect, but I always felt he was perfect in every way, except for occasionally he would say something inappropriate about someone who was different than him. For example, he once made a gay joke and it upset me very much. I have a brother who is gay and he knows that. When I told him how I felt, he immediately apologized and said he was just joking.

Last week one of my sons told me he is gay. He is seventeen years old. I am very proud of him for being strong enough to tell me. Of course I told him I am fine with the news and it doesn't change one thing about our relationship or how much I love him.

When my boyfriend came home that night from work I told him the news. He responded "I'm glad he's not my kid." I was shocked, disgusted, furious etc. and told him it's over between us. He told me I was totally overreacting. He says that it is fine with him that my son is gay, he was just saying that he couldn't handle it himself if it were his son. I don't think it makes a difference.

He can't believe I would break up with him over this. Please Maureen Tara, what do you think? - loving mom.

Dear Loving Mom,

I think you handled the situation perfectly and I am very proud of you. I think your boyfriend is a "jerk." He told you how he felt. No matter what he says now, you know his true feelings. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man that couldn't handle it if his son was gay?

Unfortunately there are people that do not realize that people are born gay, and it is not a choice. Your son is lucky to have you.

You and your children deserve more than to be with a man who feels this way. This is a huge "red flag" and I suggest you "run" away from this relationship. In other words, "dump him."

Best of luck to you and your son! - MTN

My man, his money and his children from another marriage

How my man handles his money...

Dear MTN,

I have been dating a man for five years now. He lives with me and I do love him. The problem is how he deals with his children from his previous marriage. His daughter started college in September and he was obligated to pay half of her tuition in his divorce agreement. He gave me a million excuses for why he wouldn't pay for it, and now he has to go to court for not paying. Now he has to pay for an attorney and that will probably cost more than if he would have just paid for half of the college bill.

My own ex-husband paid for all three of my children, and one of my kids won't even speak to my ex-husband. When I mentioned this to my boyfriend he got very angry. He told me basically that it isn't any of my business. I do not like confrontation, and other than this issue with his kids, he is a good man. I do not know if I should take the risk of losing him over this.

Do you have any advice for me. I love your column and love the way you say it like it is...

- D.

Dear D,

I understand your not liking confrontation, but staying quiet when you see your loved one making a huge mistake is another thing.

You know in your heart, regardless of the situation, your boyfriend should be paying for half of his child's education since it is in his divorce agreement. The fact you realize that he would rather spend more money in attorney fees than in doing the right thing says a lot about him. I wouldn't call that being a good father.

I suggest you not be afraid of losing him and speak your mind. The outcome is inevitable since the truth about him will eventually come out. Go with your heart and brain with your discussion. Tell him how you feel and do not be afraid of what you hear. If you find out that he isn't as good a man as you thought, then you are lucky to have found it out now, sooner than later. It sounds to me like you are afraid of finding out that he isn't as good a man as you want to believe him to be.

The problem is simple...he should be paying for half of his daughter's education.
Good luck to you.
- MTN

Never been kissed, dealing with itimacy issues in relationships

Why doesn't my girlfriend like kissing? (Photo: mywapking.co.in)

Dear MTN,

I have a weird problem. I met this very pretty girl some months back and we've been together almost every night of the week, since we've met. She always will stay at my house. Sex is great so I should have nothing to complain about, except for the fact that she won't ever kiss me. I asked her the first time she asked me not to kiss her why, but she just said she doesn't like it.

I like kissing and I think the sex would be even better if we kissed. It's almost like she's the guy in this relationship. I'm too embarrassed to tell my friends about this. Is this a usual thing that people aren't into kissing anymore? Do you think she has a dark side and some bad reason she doesn't want to be kissed? Or do you think I am making too much of this and I should just deal with it.

Thanks for your help - Bryan

Dear Bryan,

I have been hearing this a lot lately, but unfortunately I do not know what it means. The few people that have written to me just have said that they do not like the intimacy part of kissing. I would not be concerned yet, since it's only been a few months, but I would keep my eyes open to make sure she doesn't have any intimacy issues.

After six months of dating, if she still doesn't feel comfortable kissing you, I would talk about it more with her. Kissing should be a healthy part of your sex life, especially since you enjoy it so much.

Good luck and please keep me posted. I would like to see how this works out for you. - MTN

"Once a cheater, always a cheater" getting out before you get hurt

Once a cheater always a cheater

Dear MTN,

I really need your help before my boyfriend returns from his trip. If you could please select my email and answer it this week I would really appreciate it. Everyone is giving me advice and it's all different advice, and I feel like my head is going to pop. I thought it made more sense, to ask you for your advice!

I was dating a guy for about six months. He didn't have a job, but he was responsible enough to have money saved up, so I didn't care. Then he got a job with a cruise ship and left two weeks ago. We discussed that we would not cheat on each other, so I was fine with him going away. My friends all told me to break up with him, and none of them like him.

He told me last week he met an older woman on the cruise and that they are soul mates. He apologized and told me he never wanted to hurt me. I was devastated.

He called me last night and told me that it didn't work out with her and that when he returns, he wants to get back with me. I told him no right away, but he insists that this was a good thing for our relationship, because he now is sure that we were meant to be. He said when he returns he wants to prove his love for me and talk about getting engaged.

My head is spinning from his emotional ups and downs. The biggest problem I have is that he loves his new job and will be away a lot. Now I am afraid that every time he is away that he will find another woman. He said that would never happen since we will be engaged, and not just dating. I don't know what to think, but please tell me your advice. Thanks, - Sandy

Dear Sandy,

There are some men that just can't be alone. Your ex-boyfriend sounds like one of them. Remember, you were only dating him for six months, which is not a lot of time to get to know the true personality of a person. Then on his first trip away from you, after already discussing you would not cheat on each other, he "found his soul mate."

What probably happened was the trip was ending and the older woman knew this wasn't going to be a lasting relationship and dumped him. Now he is going to do his best in trying to get you back.

However, he already hurt you and broke the bond between you both. I agree with you that every time he goes away, you will probably wonder if he is looking for someone else. Just because you are engaged and you will be wearing an engagement ring, he will not be, so what difference does that make? He has already proved that he has cheated once.

He doesn't sound very stable to me, and I would suggest you find a more stable guy in a different line of work than he is in. "Once a cheater, always a cheater," is a line I remember my mom always saying!

Best of luck to you and stay strong. There are plenty of guys out there and they do not cheat! If you are looking for a committed relationship, remember all the great guys in my program are looking for the same. Come in and meet with me if and when you are ready. - MTN

PLEASE CONTINUE TO WRITE IN YOUR QUESTIONS TO MTN AT mtnmatchmaking@aol.com.

Finding your match, a happy ending for two readers who found love

Couple holding hands

Dear MTN,

It's Kevin. We met a little over six months ago. You told me immediately that you would never forget me since I have your brother's name. You matched me up FIRST with Kathy. You told her you wouldn't forget her name since you have a sister in law named Kathy. We were both readers of your column and Kathy even had written in to you once back a year ago. You gave her such great advice, she came in and joined with you.

My lovely fiance Kathy had to kiss some frogs before meeting me, she said. But she said you told her never to give up because you never know when the right one would come along. She took your advice and said your positive attitude made her stay positive. Then six months ago we had our first date. I thought I was in heaven. She called you for another match.

You told her how wonderful I was and that she needed to give me a second chance. I had been divorced shortly before and really wasn't at my best confidence wise. You built up my confidence once you met me. Everything you told me that day helped me be the man I am now.

Thank God Kathy took your advice and our second date was lovely. Each one got better than the next. We've been together, almost every day for the past six months and I asked her last week to marry me! We wouldn't have found each other without you! Even more important, if you didn't guide us both during our journey, we wouldn't be engaged right now. We would have just had one date. I don't know how to thank you, other than to tell everyone reading that you truly are a gem.

You are an amazing lady Maureen. Nothing gets you down. I'm sorry to hear what you had to go through in June, but very happy to hear how quickly you bounced back. It truly is amazing. God bless you and I hope all the Irish folks come in to see you like we did.

Kathy says hi, thank you, and that she trusted you from the day you met. The only thing she wants to know is if you really have a sister in law Kathy, ha ha...

All singles, call this lady. She knows her stuff, and she cares about you too! What else can you want from anyone? Call her! Thanks again, we'll hopefully see you at our wedding. - Kevin.

Dear Kevin,

I am so thrilled to death to hear this exciting news! You both are a beautiful couple. I probably didn't mention it to you then, but I wrote down Kathy's name on your profile when you came in. You both said so many of the same things to me, it was magical.

Yes, I have a brother Kevin, and yes, a sister in law named Kathi. I never say anything I don't mean from the heart. But it is funny that I said the same thing to you both...ha ha.

Best of luck in love and happiness. Thank you for writing in this beautiful letter to my column. This is exactly why I am a matchmaker. This fantastic feeling will be with me always! Even though I stopped counting my success stories after reaching 1000, everyone is special to me!

With Love, Maureen

Before I try matchmaking where can I look for Mrs Right?

Waiting for Misses right? Where is she?

 Dear MTN,

You got my cousin married a few years back and I am new to New York and thinking I might give you a try. But before I come in and meet you, could you please give me some pointers of finding someone on my own first?

I am thinking, this is a great way to see if you are all just about the money and will tell me to slack off and that I must come in to see you, or if you are real, like my cousin says and will try to help me first without me paying you first a dime. I thought about asking you out, but my cousin said he tried that when you met, and you told him you don't date your clients, and that the girls you have in your program are all nice and very pretty. His wife is beautiful, so I know you did a good job on them.

I am a good looking, successful guy in my early forties looking to get married and hopefully have kids one day. I don't want to find a girl drinking in a bar. I don't like the lies on the internet dating sites. I own a home and own my own business. I don't drink too much, don't gamble, and don't cheat on my ladies.

So what do you think?
- John
Dear John,

First of all who is your cousin? Give him a shout out "hello" from me...

Yes, you are doing the right thing in writing in my singles column for advice. This is the whole purpose of singles writing to me. I am happy to help you as I have been happy to help the singles that I've helped over the years.

You sound like a great catch with the basics, but I wish you would have told me a little bit about your personality. If you are more outgoing or more shy. Those would have helped me, however I will do my best!

In fact, I always recommend to singles every time I give a lecture on dating that you should try finding someone on your own first, to see if you will be successful, but only give it six months. If looking on your own takes more than six months, then it is safe to say that you are just too busy, or there are not enough singles in your circle etc. Of course, it has nothing to do with you! It has to do with time and exposure!

1. Think of a hobby you have and have always said you were too busy to do. For example, learning how to cook, or playing volleyball etc. And join a club that is for that hobby. All the females in that room, if they are single, already have something in common with you!

2. Tell everyone in your circle, work, family and friends, that you are done with being single and do they know of anyone single that might be a good fit for you? (Meeting through friends, is usually the second best way to meeting someone, behind using my service.)

3. Everywhere you go, and go out and get yourself out there...and any attractive girl, first smile at her and see her response. If she is married, she should look away. If she smiles back, then approach her. Tell her you find her attractive. See her reaction. Then ask her if she is single. Of course you need to be prepared for the "danger factor here" especially for us all in New York. But most girls are savvy enough to do a "Google search" on you anyway before they meet you. If she is receptive, ask her out!

Try those John and I wish you the best of luck.

Again, if it takes more than six months, then call me. I have 1200 clients that I'm sure would love to meet you! - MTN