Help me to open up in my new relationship -- I want to show him I love him

How do I show I love him?

Dear MTN,

I need some help opening up. I have always been what I consider a private person, especially when it comes to my feelings, so much so that it has caused problems in my past relationships. 

I am in what I consider a fairly new relationship. It has been six months and my boyfriend has told me he loves me. The problem is not that I do not feel the same way but that I have a hard time saying it. And an even bigger problem is that I am noticeably uncomfortable saying it and that makes my boyfriend wonder if I am sincere.

I feel that what he refuses to understand is that we had very different upbringings and outward displays of emotion were not common in my family. It also frustrates me that he says it so often as a way to test me even though he knows it makes me uncomfortable.

I feel that he should just know that I love him because if I did not I would not be with him. Is there a way to become more comfortable with things of this nature?

And if there is not, is there a way to talk with my boyfriend in a way that will not hurt him?

I do not want to lose him but If he keeps pushing it on me I fear I could become resentful. 

HELP! 

- Casey

Dear Casey,

I can understand how your upbringing can make it difficult for you to open up to your boyfriend, but in this case I think if you do love him you need to realize that he cannot read your mind. You are not giving him enough of a chance in this relationship. You need to have a "heart to heart" with him and explain to him exactly what you have told me.

I am sure if he knows your feelings and understands how you deal with them, it will be easier for him to be able to communicate with you. Both of you need to learn how to communicate with each other. As long as you can do that, you should be able to deal with any situation that comes up.

Best of luck to you.
Thank you for writing.
 - MTN

The first date - getting over the jitters, feeling great and learning to relax

How do I get over first date jitters?

Dear MTN,

I need a few tips on relaxing before a first date. I get so nervous before a first date that I always make sure I get to the restaurant early to have a few drinks first. After the date is over I feel it went well but the guy never calls. This has been going on for years. I really want to meet someone and get married, so I am at a desperation point that it has to work soon, or I will never get married and be able to have kids. I am 38 already.

Do you think the guys are not calling me for a second date because of my drinking? I am not getting drunk, but almost every guy has mentioned that it was strange that I am always there at the bar and already have a drink in front of me when they come in... Or, am I doing something else wrong? If it is the drinking, how do you suggest I relax?

Best regards,
Jamie

Dear Jamie,

Well I can tell you with utmost certainty that when a man walks into a date and sees the woman already drinking at the bar, it is not a pretty picture. I suggest you wait in the doorway until he arrives and then most likely you should sit together in a private sitting area rather than at the bar.

As for how to relax before a date, here are a few tips:

-before the date, prepare what your going to wear, and make sure you look and feel great wearing it. You should always have one great date outfit.

-take an extra 15 minutes on your hair and makeup. Looking great will also give you a natural sense of confidence.

-think of a couple of easy, fun questions to ask your date and practice in the mirror asking the questions.

-instead of relying on alcohol, practice taking deep breaths once you get there. If you feel anxious or nervous, make a quick trip into the ladies room and practice your breathing until your start feeling relaxed.

-when you do have drinks on your date, always limit it to two. Drinking too much especially on a first date will almost never get you a second one.

-enjoy yourself and realize how much better it is to go out and meet someone new, rather than staying home alone, which will never get you married.

Lastly, I suggest you also stop putting pressure on yourself about your need to get married and have children. This is a very important decision in your life and something that cannot be rushed. It is also a red flag for any man who can sense this feeling of urgency on a woman, and is a huge turn off. My philosophy is always this: when you are looking and ready for a committed relationship and/or marriage, give yourself only six months of trying this on your own. If it takes more than six months, then it's time to hire a professional. Best of luck on your dating future.

- MTN

Maureen Tara Nelson is proud to be called The Irish American Matchmaker.
PLEASE CONTINUE TO EMAIL IN YOUR QUESTIONS TO MTN AT mtnmatchmaking@aol.com.

Irritated by my fiance - the way she treats her dog and how she's clinging to her painful past

Dear MTN,

I am engaged to a beautiful, smart, and funny woman. However, since the engagement I have been bothered by things that I did not realize before. I cannot stand the way she treats her dog like it is a child. Her dog has to sleep in the bed with us.

Also we can’t come to an agreement about where we will live. I want our own place in order to start our life together  fresh. She wants me to move into her childhood house where she now lives and also where there are still a lot of painful memories for her. I cannot understand why she wants to continue to live there when all she has ever told me is how awful it was being there. The more I think about these issues the more I am thinking it is not going to work.

Do you think there is any hope for my relationship? She is a wonderful person, but she may not be right for me. 

- Jim

Dear Jim,

Of course there is hope. My belief is as long as there is no cheating in a relationship, anything broken, can be fixed.

This sounds to me like it can certainly be fixed. The issue of the dog is a minor one. There has to be compromise in any relationship. It sounds like you have already one foot out the door before even trying to fix these issues. I hope that is not the case.

Nowadays too many people look for the easy answer to any relationship problems, which is just to quit. Our parents and grandparents didn't run. They fixed what was broken. I think we can all benefit from learning how our ancestors handled and fixed their problems. They talked it out. I am sure if your fiance knows how much the dog sleeping in your bed is bothering you, she will make certain adjustments to make you happy. Come up with some ideas for her that would be a compromise for both of you.

As for the more important issue of where to live...This is something that you both need to sit down and talk about.  Mention to her how important it is to you to begin a fresh, healthy new life together. Does she have children that she wants to remain in school before moving? In that case, you can buy a new home once the children are done with high school. If not, then you have more leverage in your favor. I think you should show her some pictures of homes that you have looked at and maybe that will entice her to be excited about this change. I am assuming that her hesitance in moving is just emotional ties. If you talk with her about his and work with her I am sure she will come around. Best of  luck in this situation.

Please keep me posted.
- MTN