How do I ask my girlfriend about her past experiences without being insulting?

How to broach the question without calling her a slut!

Dear MTN,

Recently I began dating a woman and I am concerned that she has far more experience than I do.

Although I am not judgmental the number of previous partners is somewhat important to me. How do I go about asking her to go into more detail about her past without being insulting?

I really like this woman but I am intimidated by her past. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? And should someone's history even be a factor in a relationship that is going well?

Best regards,
Will

Dear Will,

Do you really want to know this information? I think if you take a moment to think about it you probably won't want to know how many lovers your girlfriend has had. I do not think her history should be a factor in your relationship as long as you really like her.

It sounds like you're a little insecure with your own past with women. Again, that should not be a factor for your girlfriend as well.

As long as you are happy my best advice is to view this relationship as the being the first for both of you. Instead of looking in the past start fresh with this relationship and only look forward. Best of luck to you. I hope she's "the one."

- MTN

PLEASE CONTINUE TO EMAIL IN YOUR QUESTIONS TO MTN AT mtnmatchmaking@aol.com

Feeling suffocated by monogamy - settling down and being "a couple" is a battle

Struggling with being "a couple"

Dear MTN,

I am 24 years old and I really need your advice. I can't ask my mother about this so I really hope you can help me. For quite some time now I have been struggling with the idea of monogamy. I have been seeing someone for over four years but I do not want to put a title on it. I know myself and if we become "a couple" I know I will feel suffocated like I felt with my last relationship and want to see if someone better is out there for me. 

I know he is not seeing anyone else and wants to get married and have children, but there is still a part of me that needs freedom. I do want to have children and a family and I would never want to bring them up in a household with an open marriage, but I find it near impossible to get everything I need from just one person. 

When I was 21 years old I had three guys I was seeing and it was the greatest time in my life. I feel like I'm constantly battling what I have been told is right (marriage, monogamy, and children) vs. the need to meet and be excited by more than one person. Is this a phase I will grow out of? Will I eventually get to a point where one man is enough? Thanks, signed - slutty mcslut slut

Dear slutty mcslut slut,

I suggest you stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You are only 25 years old and still very young. There is no reason to rush into a serious relationship with only one person now, unless you are deeply in love - which you clearly are not.

I can remember being away at college and having three boyfriends at the same time and it was the greatest time in my life as well. However, I kept the relationships light and fun and most importantly, didn't sleep with them. When you add sex into a relationship, it usually changes into a casual thing into a relationship. 

It sounds like you have a relationship with your boyfriend and if he was the right one for you, you wouldn't feel the need to see what else is out there. It sounds to me that you shouldn't be in this relationship and should just be dating around until you find someone that you would want to be monogamous with. 

I think when you find that right guy, you won't be worrying about the things you are worrying about now. My advice is to start looking for that right guy, especially before you start thinking of marriage and having kids with the wrong person. Good luck and I hope in time that you find Mr. Right. - MTN

PLEASE CONTINUE TO EMAIL IN YOUR QUESTIONS TO MTN AT mtnmatchmaking@aol.com.

Help me - I love sex, had an affair and now I want my highschool sweetheart back

Dear MTN,

I have a huge problem with my girlfriend of five years. We are high school sweethearts and I know she's the one I want to marry one day. She has been talking about getting married for the past year almost every day despite the fact that I told her I need to finish college and get my career set first. We have been living together for the past three years and I think it's the perfect situation. I have loved her from the first time we had sex in high school. We have a lot of the same interests and I have lots of chemistry with her. She believes like me that when you love each other, you should have sex every day. In the past five years we have had sex almost every day, except beginning a month ago.

Last month she got hurt and had to be laid up. Since I work and go to school I obviously couldn't take care of her so she stayed at her mother's house. I tried to come over as much as I could, but it was really hard with my busy schedule. I really missed having sex with her every day. Many times I had to do it myself since I couldn't make it over to her mom’s house, but I always thought of her while pleasing myself.

She has another month of resting before she can move back in. Every night that I can't come over she now gives me a hard time and has been breaking my balls about not seeing her. She has been really driving me nuts to the point where I had to look elsewhere for sex. There's a girl in my school and we've always kind of flirted with each other. Once my girlfriend started pushing me hard I stepped it up with this girl. I found out she enjoys having sex as much as I do. She told me she hasn't had sex since her last boyfriend a year ago. She was definitely hinting to have sex with me. I never mentioned to this girl that I have a girlfriend.

We ended up having sex only four times and it was great. Even though I love my girlfriend it was such a high to be with someone else. Well last week after seeing the girl I was on my way home and my girlfriend called and demanded I come over to talk. I told her I was really exhausted but she didn't care. I got there and all she kept saying was that she feels I don't love her anymore since the past two weeks I've been going over there less than usual. I ended up falling asleep in her bed and the girl from school texted me that I forgot my book at her house and how great the sex we had was. She woke me up hysterical and told me to leave. That was last week and she won't talk to me and I'm not allowed over her mom's house to see her.

I am really sorry for what I did and realize how stupid it was. I told the girl in school and she now hates me too because I didn't tell her I had a girlfriend. I don't know what to do. I miss my girlfriend and want her back but she won't give me a chance to explain my side of why I did what I did. Is there any advice you can give me to get my girlfriend back?

 Thanks, - Joey

Dear Joey,

You got yourself into quite a mess. Since you realize it was stupid cheating on your girlfriend and realize you made a mistake, there might be a sliver of hope for you. Since you already know you were wrong I won't give you a lecture on what a jerk you were to your girlfriend. I have no way of knowing if your girlfriend will ever take you back or ever trust you again. Only time will tell. That's why when you're in a relationship, you don't cheat, because if you do, you will most likely lose the person when they find out. And they always find out.

My advice is that you prove to her every day how much you miss her and beg her to give you another chance. I suggest sending flowers every week, and calling every day and leaving messages for her that you want to talk and tell her how sorry you are. She might not ever forgive you but if she sees how hard you are trying she might be willing to hear what you have to say. If you get that chance don't make excuses. Admit you were wrong and assure her you won't ever make such a stupid mistake again. When you love someone you should love them not only when things are great but more importantly when things go wrong. You messed up big time kid. Good luck to you. Keep me posted on what happens. - MTN

Maureen Tara Nelson is a private matchmaker for over 12 years with over 1000 success stories. She has won Best Matchmaker for the year for over four years in a row. Voting has already begun for the 2013 winner.

If you would like to vote for Maureen Tara Nelson Private Matchmaking, go to the website http://bestof.longislandpress.com/voting/ and click on voting, then click on services, then dating services, and you will see Maureen Tara Nelson. If you email her that you voted, she will thank everyone personally.

She also won Top Matchmaker in NYC in Newsweek magazine. She has appeared on numerous television programs, has been written up in many magazine articles, heard on many radio programs and appeared off Broadway.

She offers everyone a free consultation in either her Long Island or Manhattan office. For more information, please call 516-444-2861. Mention this article and receive a Fall discount. You can check out her website at mtnmatchmaking.com and also check her out on Facebook and Twitter!

Maureen Tara Nelson is proud to be called The Irish American Matchmaker.

PLEASE CONTINUE TO EMAIL IN YOUR QUESTIONS TO MTN AT mtnmatchmaking@aol.com.

I’ve lost weight, how can I get my boyfriend to acknowledge my achievements and pay me some attention?

How do I get my boyfriend to notice me?

Dear MTN,

I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years and during that time we both put on a substantial amount of weight.  Recently I have been working out, dieting, and getting healthy, however my boyfriend has not and shows no interest in doing the same. He does not even compliment me on my recent weight loss or seem to notice!

I understand that after five years he is comfortable with me and the relationship and may not feel the need to make the type of change I am but I am worried that all these years I may have mistaken comfort for love.  I also find myself wanting to see what else is out there.  I feel like if I end things with him now that I have lost weight and started receiving attention from other men that everyone will see me as shallow but it is my feeling that he is really no longer happy with the relationship either.  I feel like he may be comfortable as well, because if he were still in love with me wouldn't he want to take a healthy step forward with me or at least recognize my accomplishment? 

Please help me I am very confused.

HELP! - Jordan

Dear Jordan,

That is great news about yourself.  I know how you would love if your boyfriend would be proud of you and tell you that he is, but since he isn't, I think you need to assume that he is jealous.  You both fell in love with each other when you were heavy.  Now you are thin, and he is still heavy.  I would suggest asking yourself if you are still in love with your "heavy" boyfriend?

If you aren't then you need to be honest with him.  Hopefully he will see all the benefits of living a healthy lifestyle and will be motivated to lose weight for himself, not for you.

Also remember if you leave him for another guy and then one day you put weight back on, how would you feel if that guy dumps you because you gained weight?  If you love someone, you love them for who they are, not for how much they weigh.  Good luck to you.  - MTN

When should I tell the woman I’m dating that I suffer from bipolar disorder?

When is the right time to break the news?

Dear MTN,

I have read your column for a long time and always admire the advice you give your readers. I am a 32 year old male that has been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I have been on medication for the illness since I was a teenager and my symptoms are well controlled. I would like to begin dating but I do not know when the right time to tell a woman about my condition would be. Do I tell her on the first date? 

Do I tell her after a month? Do I wait until we are in a committed relationship? I do not want to hide my condition but I also know the social stigma related to bi-polar disorder. I am concerned that if I tell the women I date right away I will be automatically dismissed however I would not want them to feel deceived finding out later on in the relationship. How do you suggest I approach such a sensitive subject?  

Thanks for your help.  
– Nick

Dear Nick,
The situation you are in is a difficult one.

I would not tell a woman on a first date or even a second date. I would only sit down with her and explain your situation if you knew that this was a relationship you would want to pursue long term.

At some point the two of you will become closer and closer and it will feel comfortable for you to be open. Since it is a delicate subject that can at times be misunderstood be prepared to explain exactly what bi-polar disorder is, and how it is being treated.

Only you know the extent of your condition and how it is being managed so even when you are assuring her it is under control be honest and forthcoming in regards to any issues it might cause the relationship.

The right woman will understand and love you for you. 

Good Luck!
- MTN

My boyfriend could be a criminal - should we split up?

He may have a criminal past - should I trust him and move on?

Dear MTN,

I really need your help as soon as possible. I started dating this great guy over a month ago. He is everything I have ever dreamed of. Last night he told me he loved me and said we shouldn't have any secrets from each other. He told me he just got out of jail six months ago and he was accused of raping a girl. He promised me he didn't do it. He said he was framed and the police didn't investigate properly and he couldn't afford a good lawyer. He also said he could have agreed to settle but that would mean he was admitted to wrong doing. He went to trial because he was innocent, but the jury convicted him, since his lawyer was terrible.

He begged me to stay with him. I am 39 and really would like to get married and have children. He's 47 and says he wants the same thing. He is a contractor and his company even took him back because they always believed he was innocent. I really think he is being sincere. However, if my family ever knew this about him, they would kill me. I also asked him for the details, but he said that was in his past and he never wants to look back. He said I need to respect that if we are going to stay together.

I trust your advice and really need it now. Do you think I should continue dating him. I also think I love him. I believe him. Do you think I am being a fool? Please let me know what you think about this.

Thanks. - Trisha

Dear Trisha,

I would love to know how you met this guy. I am guessing it was at a bar, or on the Internet. With both cases, there are no criminal background checks. Only you know if you can live or even date a guy who was convicted of rape. Remember, you only have been dating a month. A month is a short time for a guy to know if he is in love with you. It also sounds like he has an answer for everything. And why won't he share the details with you and explain the entire situation to make you feel more comfortable about dating him?

It's probably because he doesn't care.

Ask yourself if you would rather date and marry a guy without a criminal record. If the answer is yes than I suggest you make an appointment with my service. Everyone goes through a criminal, felony background check. Therefore, you will never have to worry about the guys in my service. We have 1200 of the greatest singles in New York. Call 516-444-2861 for a complimentary appointment with me personally and please mention that you wrote in to me. We will take great care of you so you don't have to settle. I have a feeling you are just settling with this guy because you want to get married. Good luck and let me know what you decide to do. - MTN

Maureen Tara Nelson is a private matchmaker for over 12 years with over 1000 success stories. She has won Best Matchmaker for the year for over four years in a row. She has appeared on numerous television programs, has been written up in many magazine articles and heard on many radio programs as well. She offers everyone a free consultation in either her Long Island or Manhattan office. For more information, please call 516-444-2861. Mention this article and receive a Fall discount.

Tough questions - is it okay for a woman to ask a hot guy out?

Should girls ask boys  out?

Hi Matchmaker,

I read your column every week and I was wondering if you could help me. I have been interested in a guy for quite some time now and he appears to be interested as well but has not asked me out yet. 

Is it okay for the woman to make the first move or should I wait for him to ask me?

 I know you have said in the past it is important to let the man be the man but how long should I wait? And if he is not asking is he even really interested? Please help. I am clueless!

 Thanks - Samantha

Dear Samantha,

A lot of women ask me this same question, and the answer is simple. If a man is interested in you he will ask you out. I understand it can be confusing because the two of you are texting, talking and flirting, but always let him make the first move.

I suggest the next time you talk to him to casually mention the subject of getting together and then see what he says. You should not be doing all of the work. You also should not be wasting your time talking with a guy if all he wants out of this is a friend to talk to on the phone...

After he responds, if he doesn't bring up getting together I would tell him straight out that you are really too busy to keep up the phone calls. That might be enough to light a fire under him and plan a date with you. Hopefully it does. Feel free to write me after his response. Good luck. - MTN

Maureen Tara Nelson is a private matchmaker for over 12 years with over 1000 success stories. She has won Best Matchmaker for the year for over four years in a row. She has appeared on numerous television programs, has been written up in many magazine articles and heard on many radio programs as well. She offers everyone a free consultation in either her Long Island or Manhattan office. For more information, please call 516-444-2861. Mention this article and receive a Fall discount.