Help me to open up in my new relationship -- I want to show him I love him

How do I show I love him?

Dear MTN,

I need some help opening up. I have always been what I consider a private person, especially when it comes to my feelings, so much so that it has caused problems in my past relationships. 

I am in what I consider a fairly new relationship. It has been six months and my boyfriend has told me he loves me. The problem is not that I do not feel the same way but that I have a hard time saying it. And an even bigger problem is that I am noticeably uncomfortable saying it and that makes my boyfriend wonder if I am sincere.

I feel that what he refuses to understand is that we had very different upbringings and outward displays of emotion were not common in my family. It also frustrates me that he says it so often as a way to test me even though he knows it makes me uncomfortable.

I feel that he should just know that I love him because if I did not I would not be with him. Is there a way to become more comfortable with things of this nature?

And if there is not, is there a way to talk with my boyfriend in a way that will not hurt him?

I do not want to lose him but If he keeps pushing it on me I fear I could become resentful. 

HELP! 

- Casey

Dear Casey,

I can understand how your upbringing can make it difficult for you to open up to your boyfriend, but in this case I think if you do love him you need to realize that he cannot read your mind. You are not giving him enough of a chance in this relationship. You need to have a "heart to heart" with him and explain to him exactly what you have told me.

I am sure if he knows your feelings and understands how you deal with them, it will be easier for him to be able to communicate with you. Both of you need to learn how to communicate with each other. As long as you can do that, you should be able to deal with any situation that comes up.

Best of luck to you.
Thank you for writing.
 - MTN

The first date - getting over the jitters, feeling great and learning to relax

How do I get over first date jitters?

Dear MTN,

I need a few tips on relaxing before a first date. I get so nervous before a first date that I always make sure I get to the restaurant early to have a few drinks first. After the date is over I feel it went well but the guy never calls. This has been going on for years. I really want to meet someone and get married, so I am at a desperation point that it has to work soon, or I will never get married and be able to have kids. I am 38 already.

Do you think the guys are not calling me for a second date because of my drinking? I am not getting drunk, but almost every guy has mentioned that it was strange that I am always there at the bar and already have a drink in front of me when they come in... Or, am I doing something else wrong? If it is the drinking, how do you suggest I relax?

Best regards,
Jamie

Dear Jamie,

Well I can tell you with utmost certainty that when a man walks into a date and sees the woman already drinking at the bar, it is not a pretty picture. I suggest you wait in the doorway until he arrives and then most likely you should sit together in a private sitting area rather than at the bar.

As for how to relax before a date, here are a few tips:

-before the date, prepare what your going to wear, and make sure you look and feel great wearing it. You should always have one great date outfit.

-take an extra 15 minutes on your hair and makeup. Looking great will also give you a natural sense of confidence.

-think of a couple of easy, fun questions to ask your date and practice in the mirror asking the questions.

-instead of relying on alcohol, practice taking deep breaths once you get there. If you feel anxious or nervous, make a quick trip into the ladies room and practice your breathing until your start feeling relaxed.

-when you do have drinks on your date, always limit it to two. Drinking too much especially on a first date will almost never get you a second one.

-enjoy yourself and realize how much better it is to go out and meet someone new, rather than staying home alone, which will never get you married.

Lastly, I suggest you also stop putting pressure on yourself about your need to get married and have children. This is a very important decision in your life and something that cannot be rushed. It is also a red flag for any man who can sense this feeling of urgency on a woman, and is a huge turn off. My philosophy is always this: when you are looking and ready for a committed relationship and/or marriage, give yourself only six months of trying this on your own. If it takes more than six months, then it's time to hire a professional. Best of luck on your dating future.

- MTN

Maureen Tara Nelson is proud to be called The Irish American Matchmaker.
PLEASE CONTINUE TO EMAIL IN YOUR QUESTIONS TO MTN AT mtnmatchmaking@aol.com.

Irritated by my fiance - the way she treats her dog and how she's clinging to her painful past

Dear MTN,

I am engaged to a beautiful, smart, and funny woman. However, since the engagement I have been bothered by things that I did not realize before. I cannot stand the way she treats her dog like it is a child. Her dog has to sleep in the bed with us.

Also we can’t come to an agreement about where we will live. I want our own place in order to start our life together  fresh. She wants me to move into her childhood house where she now lives and also where there are still a lot of painful memories for her. I cannot understand why she wants to continue to live there when all she has ever told me is how awful it was being there. The more I think about these issues the more I am thinking it is not going to work.

Do you think there is any hope for my relationship? She is a wonderful person, but she may not be right for me. 

- Jim

Dear Jim,

Of course there is hope. My belief is as long as there is no cheating in a relationship, anything broken, can be fixed.

This sounds to me like it can certainly be fixed. The issue of the dog is a minor one. There has to be compromise in any relationship. It sounds like you have already one foot out the door before even trying to fix these issues. I hope that is not the case.

Nowadays too many people look for the easy answer to any relationship problems, which is just to quit. Our parents and grandparents didn't run. They fixed what was broken. I think we can all benefit from learning how our ancestors handled and fixed their problems. They talked it out. I am sure if your fiance knows how much the dog sleeping in your bed is bothering you, she will make certain adjustments to make you happy. Come up with some ideas for her that would be a compromise for both of you.

As for the more important issue of where to live...This is something that you both need to sit down and talk about.  Mention to her how important it is to you to begin a fresh, healthy new life together. Does she have children that she wants to remain in school before moving? In that case, you can buy a new home once the children are done with high school. If not, then you have more leverage in your favor. I think you should show her some pictures of homes that you have looked at and maybe that will entice her to be excited about this change. I am assuming that her hesitance in moving is just emotional ties. If you talk with her about his and work with her I am sure she will come around. Best of  luck in this situation.

Please keep me posted.
- MTN

How do I ask my girlfriend about her past experiences without being insulting?

How to broach the question without calling her a slut!

Dear MTN,

Recently I began dating a woman and I am concerned that she has far more experience than I do.

Although I am not judgmental the number of previous partners is somewhat important to me. How do I go about asking her to go into more detail about her past without being insulting?

I really like this woman but I am intimidated by her past. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? And should someone's history even be a factor in a relationship that is going well?

Best regards,
Will

Dear Will,

Do you really want to know this information? I think if you take a moment to think about it you probably won't want to know how many lovers your girlfriend has had. I do not think her history should be a factor in your relationship as long as you really like her.

It sounds like you're a little insecure with your own past with women. Again, that should not be a factor for your girlfriend as well.

As long as you are happy my best advice is to view this relationship as the being the first for both of you. Instead of looking in the past start fresh with this relationship and only look forward. Best of luck to you. I hope she's "the one."

- MTN

PLEASE CONTINUE TO EMAIL IN YOUR QUESTIONS TO MTN AT mtnmatchmaking@aol.com

Feeling suffocated by monogamy - settling down and being "a couple" is a battle

Struggling with being "a couple"

Dear MTN,

I am 24 years old and I really need your advice. I can't ask my mother about this so I really hope you can help me. For quite some time now I have been struggling with the idea of monogamy. I have been seeing someone for over four years but I do not want to put a title on it. I know myself and if we become "a couple" I know I will feel suffocated like I felt with my last relationship and want to see if someone better is out there for me. 

I know he is not seeing anyone else and wants to get married and have children, but there is still a part of me that needs freedom. I do want to have children and a family and I would never want to bring them up in a household with an open marriage, but I find it near impossible to get everything I need from just one person. 

When I was 21 years old I had three guys I was seeing and it was the greatest time in my life. I feel like I'm constantly battling what I have been told is right (marriage, monogamy, and children) vs. the need to meet and be excited by more than one person. Is this a phase I will grow out of? Will I eventually get to a point where one man is enough? Thanks, signed - slutty mcslut slut

Dear slutty mcslut slut,

I suggest you stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You are only 25 years old and still very young. There is no reason to rush into a serious relationship with only one person now, unless you are deeply in love - which you clearly are not.

I can remember being away at college and having three boyfriends at the same time and it was the greatest time in my life as well. However, I kept the relationships light and fun and most importantly, didn't sleep with them. When you add sex into a relationship, it usually changes into a casual thing into a relationship. 

It sounds like you have a relationship with your boyfriend and if he was the right one for you, you wouldn't feel the need to see what else is out there. It sounds to me that you shouldn't be in this relationship and should just be dating around until you find someone that you would want to be monogamous with. 

I think when you find that right guy, you won't be worrying about the things you are worrying about now. My advice is to start looking for that right guy, especially before you start thinking of marriage and having kids with the wrong person. Good luck and I hope in time that you find Mr. Right. - MTN

PLEASE CONTINUE TO EMAIL IN YOUR QUESTIONS TO MTN AT mtnmatchmaking@aol.com.

Help me - I love sex, had an affair and now I want my highschool sweetheart back

Dear MTN,

I have a huge problem with my girlfriend of five years. We are high school sweethearts and I know she's the one I want to marry one day. She has been talking about getting married for the past year almost every day despite the fact that I told her I need to finish college and get my career set first. We have been living together for the past three years and I think it's the perfect situation. I have loved her from the first time we had sex in high school. We have a lot of the same interests and I have lots of chemistry with her. She believes like me that when you love each other, you should have sex every day. In the past five years we have had sex almost every day, except beginning a month ago.

Last month she got hurt and had to be laid up. Since I work and go to school I obviously couldn't take care of her so she stayed at her mother's house. I tried to come over as much as I could, but it was really hard with my busy schedule. I really missed having sex with her every day. Many times I had to do it myself since I couldn't make it over to her mom’s house, but I always thought of her while pleasing myself.

She has another month of resting before she can move back in. Every night that I can't come over she now gives me a hard time and has been breaking my balls about not seeing her. She has been really driving me nuts to the point where I had to look elsewhere for sex. There's a girl in my school and we've always kind of flirted with each other. Once my girlfriend started pushing me hard I stepped it up with this girl. I found out she enjoys having sex as much as I do. She told me she hasn't had sex since her last boyfriend a year ago. She was definitely hinting to have sex with me. I never mentioned to this girl that I have a girlfriend.

We ended up having sex only four times and it was great. Even though I love my girlfriend it was such a high to be with someone else. Well last week after seeing the girl I was on my way home and my girlfriend called and demanded I come over to talk. I told her I was really exhausted but she didn't care. I got there and all she kept saying was that she feels I don't love her anymore since the past two weeks I've been going over there less than usual. I ended up falling asleep in her bed and the girl from school texted me that I forgot my book at her house and how great the sex we had was. She woke me up hysterical and told me to leave. That was last week and she won't talk to me and I'm not allowed over her mom's house to see her.

I am really sorry for what I did and realize how stupid it was. I told the girl in school and she now hates me too because I didn't tell her I had a girlfriend. I don't know what to do. I miss my girlfriend and want her back but she won't give me a chance to explain my side of why I did what I did. Is there any advice you can give me to get my girlfriend back?

 Thanks, - Joey

Dear Joey,

You got yourself into quite a mess. Since you realize it was stupid cheating on your girlfriend and realize you made a mistake, there might be a sliver of hope for you. Since you already know you were wrong I won't give you a lecture on what a jerk you were to your girlfriend. I have no way of knowing if your girlfriend will ever take you back or ever trust you again. Only time will tell. That's why when you're in a relationship, you don't cheat, because if you do, you will most likely lose the person when they find out. And they always find out.

My advice is that you prove to her every day how much you miss her and beg her to give you another chance. I suggest sending flowers every week, and calling every day and leaving messages for her that you want to talk and tell her how sorry you are. She might not ever forgive you but if she sees how hard you are trying she might be willing to hear what you have to say. If you get that chance don't make excuses. Admit you were wrong and assure her you won't ever make such a stupid mistake again. When you love someone you should love them not only when things are great but more importantly when things go wrong. You messed up big time kid. Good luck to you. Keep me posted on what happens. - MTN

Maureen Tara Nelson is a private matchmaker for over 12 years with over 1000 success stories. She has won Best Matchmaker for the year for over four years in a row. Voting has already begun for the 2013 winner.

If you would like to vote for Maureen Tara Nelson Private Matchmaking, go to the website http://bestof.longislandpress.com/voting/ and click on voting, then click on services, then dating services, and you will see Maureen Tara Nelson. If you email her that you voted, she will thank everyone personally.

She also won Top Matchmaker in NYC in Newsweek magazine. She has appeared on numerous television programs, has been written up in many magazine articles, heard on many radio programs and appeared off Broadway.

She offers everyone a free consultation in either her Long Island or Manhattan office. For more information, please call 516-444-2861. Mention this article and receive a Fall discount. You can check out her website at mtnmatchmaking.com and also check her out on Facebook and Twitter!

Maureen Tara Nelson is proud to be called The Irish American Matchmaker.

PLEASE CONTINUE TO EMAIL IN YOUR QUESTIONS TO MTN AT mtnmatchmaking@aol.com.

I’ve lost weight, how can I get my boyfriend to acknowledge my achievements and pay me some attention?

How do I get my boyfriend to notice me?

Dear MTN,

I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years and during that time we both put on a substantial amount of weight.  Recently I have been working out, dieting, and getting healthy, however my boyfriend has not and shows no interest in doing the same. He does not even compliment me on my recent weight loss or seem to notice!

I understand that after five years he is comfortable with me and the relationship and may not feel the need to make the type of change I am but I am worried that all these years I may have mistaken comfort for love.  I also find myself wanting to see what else is out there.  I feel like if I end things with him now that I have lost weight and started receiving attention from other men that everyone will see me as shallow but it is my feeling that he is really no longer happy with the relationship either.  I feel like he may be comfortable as well, because if he were still in love with me wouldn't he want to take a healthy step forward with me or at least recognize my accomplishment? 

Please help me I am very confused.

HELP! - Jordan

Dear Jordan,

That is great news about yourself.  I know how you would love if your boyfriend would be proud of you and tell you that he is, but since he isn't, I think you need to assume that he is jealous.  You both fell in love with each other when you were heavy.  Now you are thin, and he is still heavy.  I would suggest asking yourself if you are still in love with your "heavy" boyfriend?

If you aren't then you need to be honest with him.  Hopefully he will see all the benefits of living a healthy lifestyle and will be motivated to lose weight for himself, not for you.

Also remember if you leave him for another guy and then one day you put weight back on, how would you feel if that guy dumps you because you gained weight?  If you love someone, you love them for who they are, not for how much they weigh.  Good luck to you.  - MTN