Am I being to picky or am I just looking for love in the wrong places?

Am I being too picky over who I'm dating?

Dear MTN,

I am a single guy in my thirties with a lot to offer a woman. I am a dentist, have been told I am good looking and own my own home. All of my friends have tried to fix me up on blind dates and they just can't get it right. They say their friend is beautiful and it is never true. I don't want to sound shallow, but I work out every day and am very health conscious, so I am looking for a lot in a woman. She needs to be beautiful, in good shape, smart, funny and looking for marriage and to eventually have children. Nothing has worked so far; do you think matchmaking would work for me? I have tried everything already.

Many years ago I tried a very expensive dating service and they went out of business on me. I really didn't care since it didn't work anyway. They told me there would be beautiful girls yet the three beautiful girls on their website were all on hold. I wasted $5,500. I once tried to date a patient and when it ended, I lost her and her whole family as patients; so I will never do that again. I went on an interview to an events company, but the price was ridiculous and they also charged money for each event and charged a monthly fee. It just didn't make sense to me at all. They also had pictures on the wall and It looked like all people twice my age. When I started to ask the sales rep questions about how many beautiful girls she had in my age range, she didn't answer the question and turned into a pushy sales person. I walked out! I tried the Internet for a month and every girl I met didn't look anything like her picture. It was a total waste of my time.

Do you think I am being too picky? Are there any beautiful girls in your program in their twenties or thirties who fit what I am looking for?  I have read a lot of great articles on you and you are basically my last resort. Can you help me? 

Thank you so much. 

- Paul

Dear Paul,

Yes I do have many girls in those age ranges who fit what you are looking for. I specialize in successful businessmen since I have so many beautiful and intelligent girls in my program. In fact all of my 1200 clients are truly "the best of the best" singles on Long Island and in New York.

I understand that you are frustrated but believe me when I say, it is not you; it was just the vehicles you chose. It's very hard for friends to find the "right one" for you. If it doesn't work out, you run the risk of losing the friendship. Nothing is worth that. Dating your patients is also a big no-no for the same reason. Dating services all went out of business in New York because they accepted everyone, but claimed to be "high end." The events for singles process is geared to a much older crowd than you. Successful singles in your age range are also too busy to go to events. Lastly the Internet is the worst choice for you, since you are simply too good for that vehicle. The Internet is for everyone and anyone. There is absolutely no screening process at all.

You will find many beautiful girls in my program, but it is even better than that. For a relationship to work and last you need both chemistry and compatibility. I specialize in the compatibility part, and I show my clients photos, so you will get to see the photos before you say yes to her and you know before meeting her that you already have some sort of chemistry.

I am glad you took the time to see the articles on me so I don't have to say anything more than to simply call for your free consultation and you will meet with me personally. Please call 516-444-2861. You sound like a great catch, so I am looking forward to meeting you.

This is also a great time to join because many people make New Year's Resolutions in January. Most single people decide to find love this month. We usually bring in the most singles in the month of January. Happy New Year Paul and I hope to see you soon! - MTN

Choices over children getting in the way of our perfect marriage proposal

Waiting for him to pop the question but should I quit now?

Dear MTN,

I have a huge dilemma with my boyfriend. I am divorced with one child and am 45 years old. My boyfriend has never been married and is also 45. We've been dating for five years and I love him very much. When we first met he told me he wanted kids. I knew at that time I didn't want to have any more kids, so I told him and broke up with him right away. He told me then that he would rather have me and have no kids of his own than to have someone else just to have a child. I was obviously very happy.

I thought for sure this Christmas he was going to ask me to marry him. When I opened up my Christmas gift and saw diamond earrings instead of an engagement ring I cried. This lead to a big fight and he admitted that he was holding off asking me to marry him because he thinks he still wants kids. I broke up with him on Christmas evening.

He didn't call me until last night and asked if he could come over to talk. He told me again, the same story as five years ago that he wants me. He promised me that if we got back together that he would give up wanting to have kids. He said he would propose to me next year when he has more money and can afford an engagement ring.

What should I do? I am so confused. Thank you and happy New Year.
- Brenda

Dear Brenda,

Happy New Year to you and thank you for writing in. I am sorry that you are not going to like what I have to say. He told you how he felt in the beginning and now five years later he told you the same thing.

Only after you broke up with him both times did he say he changed his mind. Since this is the second time he told you this, I think you really need to listen to him.

I would hate to see you get hurt again if next year he says the same thing to you, for a third time! Please, look for another guy; one who does not want to have children.

Best of luck to you and I hope you find love and happiness in 2014.

 - MTN

Fighting over the same girl but who's in the right?

"The dating world sucks!"

Dear MTN,

I can't believe I am writing to you so you need to change my name. Call me Bob. My friend; call him Tom. We both like the same girl, call her Mary. So Mary and I finally started dating about six weeks ago. Things have been great.

Last night I went out with all the guys and Tom comes up to me and says he's had a beef with me for stealing Mary from him. I had no idea what he was talking about. He said he was dating Mary all of last year and just kept it quiet so the whole group didn't find out and gossip. He said they had one fight, the next day she broke it off with him, and the next night he hears from me that I had asked her out. I asked him why didn't he say anything then? He responded that he thought I was just a quick rebound and that he'd get her back. I told him that wasn't cool on his part. He says I'm not being cool on my part.

We are both 25 and have been friends together our whole lives. I don't want to lose our friendship. But I have to say that Mary just might be the one for me. But now that I know they were dating first, it kind of changes things for me. What do you think I should do? Also, do you get 25 year guys in your matchmaking program? Because if I do lose Mary I might need to join. The dating world sucks. 

Thanks,

 - MTN

Dear Bob,

You did nothing wrong. When you asked out Mary, she did not tell you about Tom. When Tom first found out from you that you had asked her out that was his opportunity to say that he was dating her and if he was going to try to get her back. He didn't! Therefore, you have no responsibility on their breakup and you are not being "not cool on your part."

Don't worry about your friend. If he's a true friend, and he sounds like he is, then he should be happy for you if things work out with Mary. I would however, have a small talk with Mary and tell her you know that she went out with Tom and see that she doesn't have feelings for him anymore. If she doesn't, just enjoy the relationship.

Good forbid if it doesn't work out, but yes I begin my matchmaking program at 20 years old for girls, and 21 for guys. I have lots of beautiful girls in your age group from all over New York and Long Island. If you do call, mention that you wrote to me.

Thanks and good luck to you.

- MTN

Dealing with a gay son and a homophobic partner, ditch the jerk?

Dealing with a tough decision

Dear MTN,

I really need your advice. I enjoy your column every week and really trust what you say. I never thought I would have to write to you, but the time has come.

I thought I was in a great relationship with a man for the past five years. He lives with me and my three children. No one is perfect, but I always felt he was perfect in every way, except for occasionally he would say something inappropriate about someone who was different than him. For example, he once made a gay joke and it upset me very much. I have a brother who is gay and he knows that. When I told him how I felt, he immediately apologized and said he was just joking.

Last week one of my sons told me he is gay. He is seventeen years old. I am very proud of him for being strong enough to tell me. Of course I told him I am fine with the news and it doesn't change one thing about our relationship or how much I love him.

When my boyfriend came home that night from work I told him the news. He responded "I'm glad he's not my kid." I was shocked, disgusted, furious etc. and told him it's over between us. He told me I was totally overreacting. He says that it is fine with him that my son is gay, he was just saying that he couldn't handle it himself if it were his son. I don't think it makes a difference.

He can't believe I would break up with him over this. Please Maureen Tara, what do you think? - loving mom.

Dear Loving Mom,

I think you handled the situation perfectly and I am very proud of you. I think your boyfriend is a "jerk." He told you how he felt. No matter what he says now, you know his true feelings. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man that couldn't handle it if his son was gay?

Unfortunately there are people that do not realize that people are born gay, and it is not a choice. Your son is lucky to have you.

You and your children deserve more than to be with a man who feels this way. This is a huge "red flag" and I suggest you "run" away from this relationship. In other words, "dump him."

Best of luck to you and your son! - MTN

My man, his money and his children from another marriage

How my man handles his money...

Dear MTN,

I have been dating a man for five years now. He lives with me and I do love him. The problem is how he deals with his children from his previous marriage. His daughter started college in September and he was obligated to pay half of her tuition in his divorce agreement. He gave me a million excuses for why he wouldn't pay for it, and now he has to go to court for not paying. Now he has to pay for an attorney and that will probably cost more than if he would have just paid for half of the college bill.

My own ex-husband paid for all three of my children, and one of my kids won't even speak to my ex-husband. When I mentioned this to my boyfriend he got very angry. He told me basically that it isn't any of my business. I do not like confrontation, and other than this issue with his kids, he is a good man. I do not know if I should take the risk of losing him over this.

Do you have any advice for me. I love your column and love the way you say it like it is...

- D.

Dear D,

I understand your not liking confrontation, but staying quiet when you see your loved one making a huge mistake is another thing.

You know in your heart, regardless of the situation, your boyfriend should be paying for half of his child's education since it is in his divorce agreement. The fact you realize that he would rather spend more money in attorney fees than in doing the right thing says a lot about him. I wouldn't call that being a good father.

I suggest you not be afraid of losing him and speak your mind. The outcome is inevitable since the truth about him will eventually come out. Go with your heart and brain with your discussion. Tell him how you feel and do not be afraid of what you hear. If you find out that he isn't as good a man as you thought, then you are lucky to have found it out now, sooner than later. It sounds to me like you are afraid of finding out that he isn't as good a man as you want to believe him to be.

The problem is simple...he should be paying for half of his daughter's education.
Good luck to you.
- MTN

Never been kissed, dealing with itimacy issues in relationships

Why doesn't my girlfriend like kissing? (Photo: mywapking.co.in)

Dear MTN,

I have a weird problem. I met this very pretty girl some months back and we've been together almost every night of the week, since we've met. She always will stay at my house. Sex is great so I should have nothing to complain about, except for the fact that she won't ever kiss me. I asked her the first time she asked me not to kiss her why, but she just said she doesn't like it.

I like kissing and I think the sex would be even better if we kissed. It's almost like she's the guy in this relationship. I'm too embarrassed to tell my friends about this. Is this a usual thing that people aren't into kissing anymore? Do you think she has a dark side and some bad reason she doesn't want to be kissed? Or do you think I am making too much of this and I should just deal with it.

Thanks for your help - Bryan

Dear Bryan,

I have been hearing this a lot lately, but unfortunately I do not know what it means. The few people that have written to me just have said that they do not like the intimacy part of kissing. I would not be concerned yet, since it's only been a few months, but I would keep my eyes open to make sure she doesn't have any intimacy issues.

After six months of dating, if she still doesn't feel comfortable kissing you, I would talk about it more with her. Kissing should be a healthy part of your sex life, especially since you enjoy it so much.

Good luck and please keep me posted. I would like to see how this works out for you. - MTN

"Once a cheater, always a cheater" getting out before you get hurt

Once a cheater always a cheater

Dear MTN,

I really need your help before my boyfriend returns from his trip. If you could please select my email and answer it this week I would really appreciate it. Everyone is giving me advice and it's all different advice, and I feel like my head is going to pop. I thought it made more sense, to ask you for your advice!

I was dating a guy for about six months. He didn't have a job, but he was responsible enough to have money saved up, so I didn't care. Then he got a job with a cruise ship and left two weeks ago. We discussed that we would not cheat on each other, so I was fine with him going away. My friends all told me to break up with him, and none of them like him.

He told me last week he met an older woman on the cruise and that they are soul mates. He apologized and told me he never wanted to hurt me. I was devastated.

He called me last night and told me that it didn't work out with her and that when he returns, he wants to get back with me. I told him no right away, but he insists that this was a good thing for our relationship, because he now is sure that we were meant to be. He said when he returns he wants to prove his love for me and talk about getting engaged.

My head is spinning from his emotional ups and downs. The biggest problem I have is that he loves his new job and will be away a lot. Now I am afraid that every time he is away that he will find another woman. He said that would never happen since we will be engaged, and not just dating. I don't know what to think, but please tell me your advice. Thanks, - Sandy

Dear Sandy,

There are some men that just can't be alone. Your ex-boyfriend sounds like one of them. Remember, you were only dating him for six months, which is not a lot of time to get to know the true personality of a person. Then on his first trip away from you, after already discussing you would not cheat on each other, he "found his soul mate."

What probably happened was the trip was ending and the older woman knew this wasn't going to be a lasting relationship and dumped him. Now he is going to do his best in trying to get you back.

However, he already hurt you and broke the bond between you both. I agree with you that every time he goes away, you will probably wonder if he is looking for someone else. Just because you are engaged and you will be wearing an engagement ring, he will not be, so what difference does that make? He has already proved that he has cheated once.

He doesn't sound very stable to me, and I would suggest you find a more stable guy in a different line of work than he is in. "Once a cheater, always a cheater," is a line I remember my mom always saying!

Best of luck to you and stay strong. There are plenty of guys out there and they do not cheat! If you are looking for a committed relationship, remember all the great guys in my program are looking for the same. Come in and meet with me if and when you are ready. - MTN

PLEASE CONTINUE TO WRITE IN YOUR QUESTIONS TO MTN AT mtnmatchmaking@aol.com.

Finding your match, a happy ending for two readers who found love

Couple holding hands

Dear MTN,

It's Kevin. We met a little over six months ago. You told me immediately that you would never forget me since I have your brother's name. You matched me up FIRST with Kathy. You told her you wouldn't forget her name since you have a sister in law named Kathy. We were both readers of your column and Kathy even had written in to you once back a year ago. You gave her such great advice, she came in and joined with you.

My lovely fiance Kathy had to kiss some frogs before meeting me, she said. But she said you told her never to give up because you never know when the right one would come along. She took your advice and said your positive attitude made her stay positive. Then six months ago we had our first date. I thought I was in heaven. She called you for another match.

You told her how wonderful I was and that she needed to give me a second chance. I had been divorced shortly before and really wasn't at my best confidence wise. You built up my confidence once you met me. Everything you told me that day helped me be the man I am now.

Thank God Kathy took your advice and our second date was lovely. Each one got better than the next. We've been together, almost every day for the past six months and I asked her last week to marry me! We wouldn't have found each other without you! Even more important, if you didn't guide us both during our journey, we wouldn't be engaged right now. We would have just had one date. I don't know how to thank you, other than to tell everyone reading that you truly are a gem.

You are an amazing lady Maureen. Nothing gets you down. I'm sorry to hear what you had to go through in June, but very happy to hear how quickly you bounced back. It truly is amazing. God bless you and I hope all the Irish folks come in to see you like we did.

Kathy says hi, thank you, and that she trusted you from the day you met. The only thing she wants to know is if you really have a sister in law Kathy, ha ha...

All singles, call this lady. She knows her stuff, and she cares about you too! What else can you want from anyone? Call her! Thanks again, we'll hopefully see you at our wedding. - Kevin.

Dear Kevin,

I am so thrilled to death to hear this exciting news! You both are a beautiful couple. I probably didn't mention it to you then, but I wrote down Kathy's name on your profile when you came in. You both said so many of the same things to me, it was magical.

Yes, I have a brother Kevin, and yes, a sister in law named Kathi. I never say anything I don't mean from the heart. But it is funny that I said the same thing to you both...ha ha.

Best of luck in love and happiness. Thank you for writing in this beautiful letter to my column. This is exactly why I am a matchmaker. This fantastic feeling will be with me always! Even though I stopped counting my success stories after reaching 1000, everyone is special to me!

With Love, Maureen

Before I try matchmaking where can I look for Mrs Right?

Waiting for Misses right? Where is she?

 Dear MTN,

You got my cousin married a few years back and I am new to New York and thinking I might give you a try. But before I come in and meet you, could you please give me some pointers of finding someone on my own first?

I am thinking, this is a great way to see if you are all just about the money and will tell me to slack off and that I must come in to see you, or if you are real, like my cousin says and will try to help me first without me paying you first a dime. I thought about asking you out, but my cousin said he tried that when you met, and you told him you don't date your clients, and that the girls you have in your program are all nice and very pretty. His wife is beautiful, so I know you did a good job on them.

I am a good looking, successful guy in my early forties looking to get married and hopefully have kids one day. I don't want to find a girl drinking in a bar. I don't like the lies on the internet dating sites. I own a home and own my own business. I don't drink too much, don't gamble, and don't cheat on my ladies.

So what do you think?
- John
Dear John,

First of all who is your cousin? Give him a shout out "hello" from me...

Yes, you are doing the right thing in writing in my singles column for advice. This is the whole purpose of singles writing to me. I am happy to help you as I have been happy to help the singles that I've helped over the years.

You sound like a great catch with the basics, but I wish you would have told me a little bit about your personality. If you are more outgoing or more shy. Those would have helped me, however I will do my best!

In fact, I always recommend to singles every time I give a lecture on dating that you should try finding someone on your own first, to see if you will be successful, but only give it six months. If looking on your own takes more than six months, then it is safe to say that you are just too busy, or there are not enough singles in your circle etc. Of course, it has nothing to do with you! It has to do with time and exposure!

1. Think of a hobby you have and have always said you were too busy to do. For example, learning how to cook, or playing volleyball etc. And join a club that is for that hobby. All the females in that room, if they are single, already have something in common with you!

2. Tell everyone in your circle, work, family and friends, that you are done with being single and do they know of anyone single that might be a good fit for you? (Meeting through friends, is usually the second best way to meeting someone, behind using my service.)

3. Everywhere you go, and go out and get yourself out there...and any attractive girl, first smile at her and see her response. If she is married, she should look away. If she smiles back, then approach her. Tell her you find her attractive. See her reaction. Then ask her if she is single. Of course you need to be prepared for the "danger factor here" especially for us all in New York. But most girls are savvy enough to do a "Google search" on you anyway before they meet you. If she is receptive, ask her out!

Try those John and I wish you the best of luck.

Again, if it takes more than six months, then call me. I have 1200 clients that I'm sure would love to meet you! - MTN

Moving in together, getting milk with the cow was for free?

Bringing the relationship to the next level
...living together

Dear MTN,

I need a very basic answer to a modern day question and you are probably the only person my girlfriend will trust with this problem we are having.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for three years. She is a lovely woman and I want to take the next step with her. I have been talking about this subject for the past six months with her and last weekend was her 35th birthday. I gave a card which said perfectly how much I feel about her and I wrote in the card that I wanted her to move in with me. I thought she would be thrilled. Instead, she threw it in my face and yelled something about getting milk when a cow was for free, and stormed out. She won't take my calls.

I really thought she would be excited about taking our relationship to the next level and moving in with me. The only thing I can think of is that I didn't actually get her a present, because I figured if she is going to move in, I'll be buying a lot of furniture for her to help make my home feel like hers. But now, she won't even listen to my explanation.

I know she reads your column every week and I hope you can help her understand that I love her and want her in my life. One day in the future, if living together goes well, I would like to marry her and have children with this woman. Please help.

Thanks,
 Patty

Dear Patty,

I understand you love your girl and that is great! Great for you. What about her needs? Did you ever talk to her in the talks you have had the past six months about how she felt moving in together before marriage, or more importantly, how she would feel about living together without being engaged first?

About the cow, she is implying to you that why would she move in with you without a commitment on your end, because if she just moves in without first getting engaged, for example, you are "getting the milk for free, so why ever buy the cow." Ask your friends what that means it is a very common saying in the U.S.

Now if you truly love her, why do you need to cover yourself first with the buffer of only moving in first to "see if it goes well before getting engaged and married?" I am sure she is feeling, if this is true love on your part, you should know that nothing could break your bond of love and that getting engaged now and moving in together would be the best next step.

Think about her needs for a moment. She probably thought with all your talk lately on the subject that you were going to give her an engagement ring for her birthday after dating for three years. Instead, you gave her a card and said let's just move in together. What does she get out of that.

If that makes sense to you, then you have hope of getting her back. If you know you love her and you both can get through all the ups and downs of a relationship, then get the ring and go over to her and propose! I am sure at that point, she will be happy to move in together at that point. Good luck to you! Keep me posted. – MTN

Sleep talking lands loyal boyfriend in deep water with furious girlfriend

I said my ex girlfriend's name in my sleep! Help!
(Photo: valleysleepcenter.com)

Dear MTN,

I really need help from you and I need it fast. Last night I was making it with my girl and we both fell asleep after. She woke me up screaming at me that I'm a cheating loser since apparently in my sleep I said the name of my ex girlfriend. I swear to you Maureen, I did not cheat with my ex. It was just a dream, and I don't even remember having the dream.

I talk in my sleep all the time and every girlfriend I've had has brought it up to me. It has never caused a problem like it did tonight. My ex girlfriends always thought it was funny and would laugh at me about it. Never did they react or accuse me of something like this.

I think she is totally over reacting since she kicked me out of her apartment and it was 2am. There was no reason for that. I told her I didn't remember having any dream of my ex, but that wasn't good enough for her. I asked her if I could sleep downstairs on the couch and we could discuss this in the morning, but she would not have it. She kicked me to the curb.

If I didn't like her so much I'd be done with her for that behavior. My friends all like her and think she's hot. I'm 29 and this is the first girl that I've dated for over a year. Usually after a few months something happens and it just ends. This one I thought was a keeper until last night.

What do you suggest I do. Believe it or not, my friends are the ones that told me to write to you, since they know she reads and likes your column. So use my name. It's Tim.

Thanks Maureen.

 Dear Tim,

Wow this is a first for me. After helping singles for over 13 years I thought I heard it all, but this is the first. She kicks you out because in your sleep you mention the name of your ex, and you don't even recall saying her name or having a dream about her. Wow...

I have to admit, I talk in my sleep as well. Now you have me paranoid. Seriously, I think she is definitely over reacting. Think about it; you don't even have any proof that you did anything wrong.

You also handled the situation very well by suggesting that you sleep on the couch and talk about it in the morning. That should have been acceptable. To kick you out in the middle of the night for something that you did not do on purpose is really unfair to you.

The only thing I would like to ask is if there is any reason why she might be jealous of your ex girlfriend. For example, do you talk about her? Is she still in your life? Do you still have feelings for her? If all of those questions have yes responses, then perhaps she has a reason for her over reacting. However, If the answers are no, then you need to be honest with her that you feel she is being unfair to you since you didn't do anything wrong!

I always say, what is meant to be will be. So if she breaks up with you over this little thing, then she wasn't the right one for you in the first place. If this is how she reacts to someone small, can you imagine if you do actually make a mistake? Instead of it being a fight, a discussion and then making up, you my friend will be kicked out to the curb again, for good.

Good luck with her reaction. Thanks to your friends for having you write in. - MTN

PLEASE CONTINUE TO EMAIL IN YOUR QUESTIONS TO MTN AT mtnmatchmaking@aol.com.

Could this one small fight mean the end of the rest of our lives?

Does this mean I'm really dumped?!!

Dear MTN,

I need your advice. I've been dating a lovely woman for a few months now. So far she seems perfect in every way. In fact, I have been thinking lately that I would like to take her as a wife. However last week we had a fight. I made a stupid mistake and went out with my buddies and stayed out to closing. The next day we were to meet her mother for the first time and with the hangover I stayed in bed all day and couldn't go.

Now I know that sounds bad Maureen, but please know that I run a business, own my own home, am 40 years old, have a nest egg in the back for my future, and since we've been dating I gave up going out with the boys like I used to do three times a week. I only went out with them since we had a funeral to go to and then we went out after. I was planning on going out for only a pint, but my buddies wouldn't let me leave since we haven't been out together for months.

I know it sounds irresponsible, but I told her I would make it up to the mother. Well, she is so mad that she said she never wants to speak to me again. I can't believe she would break up with me over one mistake.

Is there any advice you can give me to get her back.

Thanks, - Pete
Dear Pete,

Well, this is a tough one. On one hand, the first advice I think will help you find a wife in general is to realize at 40 years old, there is no excuse for getting so drunk the night before you are to meet the mother of a girl that you think is so great, and be too hung over to meet her. You are too old for that. If you are saying you are responsible enough to run a business, own a home, etc. you should also be as responsible in your relationship.

You should have been strong enough to tell your friends you had a big day the next day and only went for one pint, like you intended. By doing this to this great girl, you broke her trust in you. I can assure you no girl would be okay with her boyfriend being too hung over to meet her mom.

Having said that, in any relationship there should be forgiveness, except in the situation of cheating, and if you really are sorry for letting down both her and her mom, she should give you a "one time pass" if you play your cards right.

If you think this girl is the one, you need to realize you screwed up, and buckle up to the fact you are a 40 year old man and act like one. It will probably take a lot of work to make up for this, but if she's as great as you say, then it is worth it. Good luck! - MTN

PLEASE CONTINUE TO EMAIL IN YOUR QUESTIONS TO MTN AT mtnmatchmaking@aol.com.

Can I get this commitment phobic guy to marry me?

How can I get my guy to put a ring on it!

Dear MTN,

I need your help. I've been dating my boyfriend for over ten years and we are great together. I've been told by all my friends that they can tell how compatible we are to each-other. The sex is great, the relationship is great, and we live together. The problem is that he says he has a commitment phobia and will never marry me.

I am okay with not ever having children, but I do want to be married. At the last high school reunion all my friends were married already. My next reunion is coming up and I don't want to deal with all the questions from my friends of why aren't we married yet? I don't want anyone to know he is a commitment phob.

Is there anything I can do to change a commitment phobic guy into marrying me? Please Help! - anonymous.
Dear anonymous,

No! You cannot change a commitment phobic person. You can only find out what exactly they are afraid of and prove to them, if possible that whatever they are afraid of will not happen. If you are both happy after ten years of dating and living together, I do think it's possible to reassure him your relationship is solid enough to endure the test of time of "marriage."

However, just realize if you are going to have this conversation with him, know that he isn't going to just change his mind because you have a reunion coming up and don't want to admit to your friends that you aren't married yet. He will say that to you and he is right.

My advice is that if you are really wanting to get married at this point in your life with this guy, make sure it is for the right reasons; not because of what other people think.

Best of luck to you and keep me posted. - MTN


PLEASE CONTINUE TO EMAIL IN YOUR QUESTIONS TO MTN AT mtnmatchmaking@aol.com.

The double trouble of dating a twin when her sister is hotter than her

The Olsen twins - dating a twin means double trouble for our "Joe"

Dear MTN,

I bet you never heard a problem like mine before. I read your column every week and I think it's great. I have never seen a problem like what I'm going through, so I thought I would give you a try to see if you can help. I'll call myself Joe...

I met this beautiful girl over a month ago. She is very pretty and the sex is great. No one is perfect, but there are some things that I wish I could change about her, but nothing major. In fact, I think I might just be acting too picky.

She told me she is a twin. Since we met I kept saying that I really wanted to meet her sister. I've never dated a twin before. I sensed that she was avoiding it until last weekend when it was their birthdays, so since I was invited to the party, I got to meet her.

Her twin looks exactly like her. I know there are identical twins and I've met many of them, but usually they aren't exact. Her and her sister are exactly like each other. I think it's really cool.

Well the problem is this: since the party was at my girlfriend's apartment, she was busy doing most of the work, which left me to be alone a lot. I approached the twin and we ended up talking the entire night together.

The twin is not only more outgoing than her sister, but made my laugh, has a great job, owns her own house and has something special that I can't even explain. I hate to say this, but If I would have met them both, I would have chosen the twin.

What the fxxx do I do now? I can't stop thinking of the twin and how much more compatible we are than my girlfriend.

Although I didn't hit on her, I did pick up on some flirting on her part, and I feel like I want to take the chance of seeing how she feels about us dating. I told you, this is crazy, but I can't help myself. Let me know what you think. Thanks, - Joe

Dear Joe,

Wow, you got yourself a big dilemma on your hands. If you tell the twin how you feel you run a very high risk that she will pick the loyalty of her sister over you, and then you'll lose both of them. If you tell your girlfriend you prefer her sister, she will hate you and that will ruin all future family gatherings.

I suggest you wait a week. Go out with your girlfriend as much as possible and give it a real chance. Remember no one is perfect as you know and the twin might have been just being polite or putting on her best "face" and not really as good as she presented herself to be. You don't want to risk losing your girlfriend for a dream that will never come true.

After a week if you do not think you can be truly happy with your girlfriend, then I suggest you break up with her and just tell her the truth that you do not think you both are compatible enough for each other. Tell her all the reasons why you are not compatible. She might, unlikely, but might say that her sister has all those traits that you are looking for and that she is more compatible to you...Then you also took the high road and broke up with her first before doing anything stupid like cheating or hitting on the sister.

Hopefully if she brings up her sister, you have it made! If she doesn't, do not bring up how compatible you are to her twin that day. You will ruin everything.

After some time, maybe a month, try to meet up with the twin somewhere where you think she might be (without stalking her obviously) and if fate is on your side, ask her out. If it is meant to be, it will be.

As long as you handle this the right way and take the high road, I hope it works out for you. Please keep me posted. - MTN


PLEASE CONTINUE TO EMAIL IN YOUR QUESTIONS TO MTN AT mtnmatchmaking@aol.com.

Partners using sites that promote infidelity and learning to trust again

Moving past online cheating

Dear MTN,

Hi. I am hoping you can help me solve a very difficult problem...

About 6 weeks ago, I asked my boyfriend if I could look through his phone. I came across some messages on a GMail account between him and some girls, whom he had "met" on Ashley Madison, a site which promotes infidelity.  I was crushed!

That day, he promised me that he made a mistake, but that it would never happen again. He told me that he felt terrible for failing me as well as my two young daughters, that he was disgusted by his own behavior and he would never do it again.

Last week, I just had an inkling and asked him to go through his phone again...Again, I found the same kind of conversations... This time, it was a bit worse though, as he had actually made plans with one of these women to meet. He had to go about 400 km from home for a work interview and had arranged to meet this woman while away. She e-mailed him, saying she wouldn't be able to make it and thus they didn't meet.

The problem is that I truly love him. I don't just want to leave him! This time, when I confronted him, he immediately fessed up and apologized. He also said that he feels he has a problem (an addiction one could say) to these kind of affairs. He gave me all the passwords to his computers, e-mail addresses (he has several, for work, social, study etc) as well as tracking to his phone and access to his bank records. It has only been a week since, but it honestly seems like he wants to make this work...

My question is how do I trust him again? What steps can we take to ensure that it doesn't happen again? He said he'd see a therapist if that would make me feel more secure.

I really want to trust him. He is the guy I was planning on growing old with...

Please help!

Lonely Nici

Dear Nici,

I can tell that you love this guy and I wish I could tell you what you want to hear, however, in my experience with men that have cheated before is that men do not change. Once a cheater, always a cheater is a phrase that comes to mind.

I would strongly recommend that you dump him and find a man without an addiction to cheating. I am not trying to brag about my service, but I can assure you that men that join my service pay to find a lovely woman that they too can grow old with. In my service, with 1200 of the very best single people in New York, no one would use my service and be a "cheater."

If you absolutely are not strong enough to dump him as I suggest, then I strongly recommend that you both go to therapy together and see what the therapist tells you. If you hear from a trained therapist that your future is going to be a roller coaster of cheating, betrayal, and unhappiness, then that will probably give you the strength to move on to a man that doesn't have such an addiction. In my opinion, your boyfriend should be in therapy on his own working on this problem and not in any committed relationship until he is cured. This is not fair to you. Lastly if you both go to therapy and the therapist thinks that he can change, that will put you at ease. Just know that even that news will still be a long, difficult road ahead for you.

I wish you the best of luck. Please keep me posted as to what you decide to do and check in with me in about six months. Thanks for writing. - MTN

Not dressing to impress, my girlfriend it letting is all hang out

My girlfriend has stopped
trying to impress

Dear MTN,

I have a bit of an issue with my gal that I've been dating for a year now. When we first met she looked fantastic. She was thin, wore makeup, and dressed nicely. Lately she hasn't been trying to impress me at all. I know I sound superficial, but her personality is great and if she stayed looking as fine as she looked in the beginning, I would be asking her to marry me by now. She has recently put on an extra 30 pounds and doesn't work out at the gym anymore.

How should I bring up such a delicate situation without her dumping me for being an idiot? I really enjoy your column.

Thanks for your help.

- Danny (fake name)

Dear Danny,

I understand how this situation can be frustrating for you. There are some women out there that get into great shape and go all out to meet a guy, and then once they do, they let themselves go. Ladies, this is not the way to keep a man.

This is something that you do need to bring up to her, however, in a very tactful way. Since she used to work out and now she doesn't, I think that is the first issue that should be mentioned. If you work out, then it's easy. I suggest saying that you want to go back to how things used to be and you would like to start working out together. If you don't work out, maybe you too could benefit from losing a few pounds and suggest that you feel you both need to live a healthy life and that includes working out.

Once that is addressed, then a simple comment that you used to love the way she used to wear her makeup and a simple question of why she stopped, should be okay. Hopefully she will get the hint and be the girl that she portrayed when you first met. I wish you the best of luck. Keep me posted on her response. Thanks for writing. - MTN

PLEASE CONTINUE TO EMAIL IN YOUR QUESTIONS TO MTN AT mtnmatchmaking@aol.com.

How do I woo the woman of many dreams after she rejects me repeatedly

Flowers don't always work!

Dear MTN,

I've been reading your column for years and never thought I would be writing personally, but I have a situation that I need your advice on.

I have a very successful career in the car industry and six months ago a beautiful woman come into my dealership and bought a car from me. I fell for her from the first moment I saw her. Since she bought the car from me I've been trying to get her to go out with me. Unfortunately, she keeps saying no for many different reasons. I didn't make #1 Salesperson of the year with my company by giving up, so I have been calling her every week trying to change her mind

I am 57 and I think a handsome guy. Even though I have a couple of pounds to lose, I think I am a good catch. She is 43, beautiful, smart and the woman of my dreams. I need your help in trying to have her give me a chance. I should also mention to you a recent situation that occurred and now she will not take my calls anymore. I am devastated by this and need your thoughts on what to do.

Last time I spoke to her she told me she couldn't talk because her father passed away. I wanted to give her my condolences but she was too quick on the phone and hung up. I thought it would be a good gesture if I sent flowers to the funeral home. After that I decided to go and pay my respects personally to her. I got all dressed up and drove an hour away to the funeral home just to let her know how much I care about her and would like to get to know her better. I thought she would appreciate my going out of my way to see her.

When she saw me she looked like she saw a ghost. I approached her and gave her my condolences. She abruptly told me that it was inappropriate for me to be there since she doesn't know me well. I was shocked. I thought she would at least be appreciative that I sent her flowers and went out of my way to tell her personally how much I care.

Now she won't take any of my calls. I keep remembering her words that It wasn't appropriate for me to be there and it is killing me. What is your take on the situation? Do you think she was just in mourning and didn't realize how hurtful she was to me? Thanks, No name.

Dear No name,

I realize you meant well, but boy, you don't take a hint. From what you said, if she was the smallest bit interested in you she would have given you some sort of clue in the past six months. It sounds like she has been just trying to be polite and not hurt your feelings that she is just not interested.

Just because you are a great salesperson, doesn't mean you can make someone like you. It also sounds like this woman is a little out of your league, but you think you can "get her." I think you need to give up on your dreams of you both and if it is meant to be, then she will call you.

As for your sending flowers and showing up at her father's wake, that was inappropriate of you since you do not know her well. Wakes are for family and friends to gather together to show love and support to the family. Even though you want to be in her life, you aren't.

I am trying to be as kind as possible to you, but for future reference, if it takes you six months of calling someone and the person keeps declining your offer to get together, you need to listen to that person and realize not everyone is going to like you the way you like them.

The good news is in your line of business you get to meet many women and there are more fishes in the sea.

Good luck to you!
MTN

PLEASE CONTINUE TO EMAIL IN YOUR QUESTIONS TO MTN AT mtnmatchmaking@aol.com.

Could getting married ruin our relationship after eight years or do I need to commit?

Getting close and questioning if we should marry

Dear MTN,

I've been dating a beautiful girl for eight years. Things are great between us and we seem to be very compatible. The only problem is that she would like to get married and I don't want to. I am very happy with the arrangement we have now. We see each other almost every day and have great sex. I wish she would spend the night at my house, but she says she will not do that until we get married.

My mother passed away two weeks ago and my girlfriend didn't come to the wake and funeral with me once she heard my ex wife and kids were going to be there. I told her that I really wanted her to be there for me for emotional support, but she said it wasn't her place to be there, with my ex there.

She has very odd values and morals and it's her way or no way. After the funeral was over she came over to my house and I told her how upset I was that she wasn't there for me. Her response was, that if I made an honest woman out of her, she would have been there. Then she said until we get married, any event that includes my ex wife, will not include her. I think that is very selfish of her and I broke up with her in anger.

It's been a week apart from her and no word from her. I really miss her. Even though I don't want to get married, should I give in and call her to make up? The sex was fantastic and I do love her. 

Thanks Maureen Tara.

 - T

Dear T,

I am guessing T isn't your real name, but you do have a real problem on your hands. The biggest problem isn't what you think that she wasn't there for you and that she said she won't be in the future under similar situations; it is that she wants to get married! And you don't!

After dating her for eight years, loving her, and having great sex with her, I have to ask you this very simple question...why don't you want to get married to this woman? What else are you looking for? You need to answer the question yourself and see if the real reason you don't want to get married to her is more important to you than losing her. If you are feeling this sad in only a week, she is not going to be easy to get over quickly. Most importantly, why would you want to get over this great girl. You found love. I suggest you figure out quickly how much having her love is worth to you, before someone else comes along and grabs your girl.

Good luck to you.
- MTN

PLEASE CONTINUE TO EMAIL IN YOUR QUESTIONS TO MTN AT mtnmatchmaking@aol.com.

Dealing with a partner who is addicted to perscription pain medication

My man is addicted to pain meds

Dear MTN,

I really need your help. I've been dating a great guy for a year. We have seen each other every day since we met. I just recently found out something disturbing though and I do not know how to handle it...

My boyfriend needed me to buy him something with his money so I went into his wallet to get the money that I needed. I saw a couple of prescriptions for pain medication already filled out in his name. I know he got into a car accident last year and sometimes he mentions that his back hurts, but he never said he was taking pain meds.

Do I tell him I saw the prescriptions? Or just start looking for signs of a problem?

I really do not want to lose him since things are going so well, but if he has a problem with drugs, I really want to know about it. 

Thanks for your help.

 - Sue

Dear Sue,

Since he asked you to buy something for him, I see no reason why it would be a problem that you went into his wallet. Asking him a simple question about what you saw should not be a problem, unless he does have a problem with it.

Since you obviously care a great deal for him, I would suggest letting him know right away that if he does have a problem, that you will be okay with whatever he tells you; that way you will not have to worry about him lying to you.

This is such a huge problem nowadays that if he does need help there are plenty of options for him to get help. If you are planning on being there for him if that is the case I am sure that it will be a great comfort for him. This situation might even turn out to bring you both closer. Best of luck to him.

I will say a prayer for him.

 - MTN

PLEASE CONTINUE TO EMAIL IN YOUR QUESTIONS TO MTN AT mtnmatchmaking@aol.com.

Long term partner wants marriage but I want split - How do I leave an abusive relationship?

Dear MTN,

I am in a very bad relationship with a man I've been with for ten years. He wants to get married, but he is abusive and I am having a hard enough time in breaking up with him now, without any papers legally binding me to him. I know he doesn't want to change, in fact he doesn't think he is wrong. He says I make him mad and that it is my fault. I know he only wants to marry me to control me more and thinks I'll be too afraid to divorce him since I am Catholic.

I really need your help. I would like to join your service, in your new Westchester office, but I don't know how to break up with him first. Please give me any advice you can. I am 30 years old and would love to find Mr. Right, get married and one day have a child. Do you think it's possible? - Lea

Dear Lea,

Yes it is possible to be happy and in a healthy relationship! You need to take some very important steps first to get to your end goal, marriage and a child. The first step is to recognize you are in an unhealthy relationship, realize it is not your fault, and end it. You are half way there. I suggest you call the police and get a restraining order since you mentioned he has abused you.

Once you get that order of protection, you can date freely without the fear that men like that try to inflict. Yes you can come into our Westchester office and have a free, private consultation. Just call 516-444-2861 and schedule your appointment. We will do the rest!

I am very proud that you are taking the necessary steps to get out of an abusive relationship. You can and will do it. Unfortunately many woman and even men stay in these unhealthy relationships because they think they cannot leave; but they can. The key is to ask a love one or friend for help.

Once you make this decision, there is no turning back. Please remember an abusive man will do and say anything to keep you. He will tell you he will change. He will threaten you if you leave him. He will tell you that "no man will ever love you like I do." These are all lies, and unless he admits he has a problem, and goes to years of therapy, he will eventually go back to his "old ways."

Life is too short not to be in Love. If anyone is in this type of relationship, call us today and we can help you! Thank you for being brave and we look forward to helping you find a kind, successful, and loving man. - MTN